It has come to my attention that I am very much a filler. By this, I mean, I am the person in the group who balances out the crowd. I don't mean this to boost my self-worth, on the contrary. You see, I am the person who is happy and energetic in a group of sad and mopey people. I am the leader when everyone is in need of guidance, I am the follower when someone needs to lead. Any scenario you can think of I am the filler. I cringe and the idea that I can't seem to escape this moronic tendency. I told Bailey this and she said she thought it was a good thing-that I balance things out like I mentioned earlier.  I think it makes me transparent and insignificant.
I suppose it's all in perspective. Does one really need to be seen or noticed enable to be worth anything? Can worth even be given to a person and their whole being? It's weird to think of some people being better than another. What are we really saying? The amount of people and human relationships one person has can increase their value compared to another person with little relationships. This goes for a persons skills, athletic physique, race, gender, abilities, gifts, anything! We put people in these classes within seconds of even meeting them.
Writing often drains me emotionally. Not because what I wrote was draining and difficult to put into words. The words were bits of my soul bleeding out across paper, and the time it took to represent the contents of my mind was too difficult to put into words. They were so deep and profound that no word in the English dictionary could fully capture their meaning and depth- no. Not at all. What I find exhausting is the fact that everything that I type really has no point or relevance to anything. Typing all this stuff down isn't going it change the outcome.
I know I sound mopey and depressing but why put on a face I can't live up to?
Tomorrow will be better.