The Girl Who is Always "Ok"

I think it's funny how whenever we look back at old pictures we look at them with such purity. Like, "this is what happiness looks like" or "I was truly happy in the moment" but odds are, in those moments we were questioning what happiness really is. I like to think of myself as an optimist, but that just isn't true. I see things very black and white, at least when applied to the character or choices of others. Me, on the other hand, I am a very complex and grey person. It's just that I'm so different from the rest. I know it's hard to pick up sarcasm on paper, but just to let you know, this is dripping with it. I'd also like to think of myself as a very strong, and humerus person whose good at taking the punches, but i know this to be false as well. I know this just  because I had to give a speech today in school and I could see everyone just looking at me as if I was a fragile bird with a broken wing. Although that is often how I truly feel

It has come to my attention that I am very much a filler. By this, I mean, I am the person in the group who balances out the crowd. I don't mean this to boost my self-worth, on the contrary. You see, I am the person who is happy and energetic in a group of sad and mopey people. I am the leader when everyone is in need of guidance, I am the follower when someone needs to lead. Any scenario you can think of I am the filler. I cringe and the idea that I can't seem to escape this moronic tendency. I told Bailey this and she said she thought it was a good thing-that I balance things out like I mentioned earlier.  I think it makes me transparent and insignificant. I suppose it's all in perspective. Does one really need to be seen or noticed enable to be worth anything? Can worth even be given to a person and their whole being? It's weird to think of some people being better than another. What are we really saying? The amount of people and human relationships one person has c

Life is wonderful, the world is beautiful, and birds just keep singing. I've been here, now over a week. Settling in is the easy part, forming new friendships and bonds... that's an entirely different story. I'd love to be this cheeky, vibrant person, but in all honesty I don't feel that way. I feel like a blob. Not a sad blob, not a happy blob, just a blob on the face of the earth. I know that the only way one can change is if they put fourth the effort in which to change. At first I'm eager and ambitious, but the second I'm out in open waters I begin then to sink. Here in Seattle, I've been able to keep my head just above waters by focusing on what all there is to do. Like, there is no way someone can be discontent or unhappy in a place where something can always happen. It is true that there is something to always do, but it is a lie to pretend that it is enough to fill the void. Void. It's an ugly, unforgiving word that seems to riddle my mind with p